Better a Witty Fool than a Foolish Wit

Inner Workings of My Twisted Mind.

Mucho Gusto Me Llamo Bradley.

I’m sorry to all the people born in the ’80’s and raised in California
because I just got that song stuck in your head.

Okay, so the subject is the beginning of a line in a song called
Caress Me Down by a band called Sublime.  Sublime was one of the best
bands of the 90’s (and maybe of all time) and their album titled
Sublime is one of those albums (that are pretty much non-existent
right now) that everyone owns or has owned at some point.  In my
generation it was Nirvana’s Nevermind, Weezer’s Blue Album, Green
Day’s Dookie, No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom, and Sublime Sublime.

But this is not the point.  For all the people who are now finishing
the line in their heads (mom you know this line because I made you
listen to this song over and over and over again when I was 14 years
old) you know that it ends with a reference to a man named Ron Jeremy.

Now, it has come to my attention that not everyone has a vast
knowledge of completely useless information like me and, as I have
been talking to people about Ronnie lately, it has come to my
attention that many people don’t know who Ron Jeremy is.

Well folks tonight’s the night.  He’s a Porn Star.  That’s right, I
went there.  Ron Jeremy is the number one porn star of all time.  If
you look him up on (Internet Adult Movie Database) you may
find that he’s done about 1800 movies.  And that’s just the porn.

No matter what your feelings on Porn are, and I’ll make mine clear in
a bit, you have to admit that 1800 movies is a pretty successful

Okay, I can feel everyone shifting nervously, wondering where I’m
going with all this.  Well, first I’d like to say that I personally am
not a big fan of porn.  I have seen it, but I didn’t inhale.  It’s
just not really for me.  I have not, do not, and will not judge people
who watch it, who like it, or who star in it.  I have the same policy
on porn as I do on most things.  Am I being forced to do it or watch
it or participate, no?  Well then why the hell do I care if other
people like it or do it?

So why on earth am I talking about porn, and more specifically, why
did I bring up Ron Jeremy?  ‘Cause I got to meet him today.

That’s right kids.  Living in L.A. has brought me many many many new
experiences, but today I saw something that, until now, has been
entirely out of my reality and comprehension.  Today, I hung out with
a big group of porn stars.  And you know what?  I had a really great

The reason I met Ron was that he was doing a book signing at my work.
You see, he just wrote an autobiography (which I read) and he was
signing it.

A few years ago another porn star wrote an autobiography.  Her name is
Jenna Jameson and her book is called ‘How to Make Love Like a
Pornstar.’  Now, I haven’t read Jenna’s book (it’s on order) but I’ve
heard it contains some rather disturbing stories about her sexual
abuse as a child and whatnot.  Basically, it contains the kind of
stuff that makes you go ‘oh, that’s why she’s a pornstar.’  (and by
the way, she’s probably the most famous female pornstar in the world
right now).

But Ronnie’s book, Ronnie’s book contains no such anecdotes.  He
didn’t have a messed up childhood.  Sure, he’s particularly well
endowed (to put it mildly) but so is Brad Pitt (supposedly) and he’s
not a pornstar.  No, Ron Jeremy’s book is a fabulously well
constructed narrative of an endlessly interesting life.  The Ron
Jeremy portrayed in ‘Ron Jeremy: The Hardest (working) Man in Showbiz’
is a great protagonist of an almost Forrest Gump-like Saga.

He tells endlessly amusing stories about everything from going to
Woodstock to hanging out with his friend Sam Kinnison, to partying at
the Playboy Mansion.  While he’s weaving these great tales of
celebrity, Ron creates this amazing portrait of a certain kind of
history of Los Angeles.  He talks about the great days of hanging out
with Poison (an ’80’s hair band.  If you’re interested, download
‘every rose has it’s thorn’) at the Viper Room (which used to be owned
by Johnny Depp.  Also, where River Phoenix died in 1993).  He talks
about the Comedy Store where comics like Jim Carrey and Sam Kinnison
were no name opening acts.  And he talks about the heyday of the Porn
industry, when porn was shot on film and had the same artistic
integrity of many films.  Where they just thought of it as film where
people had sex, not as this hidden away dirty little secret
multi-billion dollar industry.

Without seeming like he’s trying Ron shows us a side of not just Los
Angeles, but a side of him that seems long forgotten (and perhaps
never really looked for).  I found myself nearly brought to tears a
few times because you just want him to win so badly.  Ron took himself
out of the label porn star and successfully made himself a completely
loveable protagonist.  Perhaps the best real person turned protagonist
since David Copperfield.

I don’t care what your feelings on porn or pornstars are, you should
read this book because this is what good writing looks like.

So, now to the fun.  When I heard Ron Jeremy would be doing a book
signing at Booksoup, I was elated.  Ever since I first heard about him
in that Sublime song, and went home to look him up on a very very slow
dial up internet search engine, I’ve been sort of curious about Ron
Jeremy.  What was he like?  What was his life like?

Now, I’m glad I live 400 miles away because my mother is going to kill
me when I say this, but after meeting him last night, I can say that
Ron Jeremy is my father in a much different profession.  God, he made
me miss my dad so much.

I was sitting there watching him interact with all these people.
People just wanted to be near him.  And it was everyone.  Everyone
from nerdy high school kids who could spout off every movie he’s ever
made and every co-star he’s ever had, to ridiculously hot pornstars
(Lisa Sparxxx, I’m not lying that’s really how you spell her name)
with natrually ginormous boobs, to regular, everyday guys asking him
to sign their girlfriends breasts. He was answering the cell phone,
telling people to get down here and come hang out.  As he was talking
about the fact that he has to fly to Mexico City at 4am, he’s inviting
people to the Rainbow Bar & Grill to hang out.  (obviously he sleeps
about as much as I do).

And all this reminded me, to a certain extent, of a certain oyster
bar, in a certain rich part of a certain sprawling city.

The thing that was really different (or maybe similar) than any
experience I’ve ever had was the fact that these really big named
pornstars were just hanging out and chatting about whatever.  Lisa
Sparxxx and I had a great conversation.  She told me about her parents
disapproval of her career choice and how much she hates that her mom
just doesn’t get it (and no that wasn’t a dig at my obscenely
supportive mother, but we can all relate, yes?).  She talked about her
husband, her kids, her cell phone plan, everything.  She and Ronnie
talked about some tattoo expo in San Antonio that they’re both going
to next week.  And then she politely excused herself because she had
an early call time tomorrow morning.

In Hollywood, this is not an unusual thing to hear someone say.  But
when you think about it, most people don’t have to go to bed early, to
prepare for their early call time where they will be having sex with
multiple people (perhaps at the same time).  And this is when I
realized (for the 8 millionth time) that I wasn’t in Santa Cruz
anymore Todo.

But you know what?  As Lisa left and Ron flitted about signing the
covers of (what I’m assuming are) well used dvd’s, among other things.
 I started thinking.  Thinking about how nice it must be to be that
guy that everyone want’s to be around.  Thinking about how much I miss
being around that guy everyone want’s to be around (no matter how many
times I have to hear the same exact story over and over).  So, as Ron
Jeremy shook my hand, kissed my cheek, and bid adieu.  I called my
friend, met him at Canter’s Deli and had a nice quiet grilled cheese
sandwich from the best Jewish deli in the best jewish neighborhood in
the world.  And I realized that as much as I love being around that
guy.  I’m glad I’m not that guy.

Peace, love, and no offense meant by this little rant,



June 14, 2007 - Posted by | Hollywood, Los Angeles, Movies, Music, Ron Jeremy, Sex

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